It seems we've spoilt our littlest one, and we're paying the price for it now.
We have a combination of the four-year-old testosterone rush, a crazy nurtured sense of entitlement and a (probably genetic) pig-headed stubbornness (ahem).
We honestly felt we should have a handle on this child-rearing thing by now, but here is further evidence that each child is a brand new challenge in himself.
Pushing boundaries. Defying requests. Asking questions then telling me why my answers are wrong. Negotiating every single thing. He is so verbal and will try to talk his way out of or into or around anything.
It's been quite depressing because I've been worrying about making the most of my time with him before he starts school, but in recent weeks our times together have deteriorated into massive battles of one sort or another.
I tell you he's nearly broken me but the four year old is not going to win!
Well actually, the plan is we all win by helping him become a more agreeable person.
I borrowed a book from kindy. Sounded like just the ticket:
Some of the important ideas I have found in here:
- Choose consequences carefully, make sure you're comfortable in following through on them and then do so, unflinchingly. (Therefore I won't threaten to take his Miffy toy away for a week again because, simply, I can't bear his constant pain and begging that long.)
- 'Assisted compliance' can work as well or better than a stand-off over requests, e.g. ask him to get dressed once, then if he won't, say "I see you need my help" and start dressing him.
- 'Positive reinforcement' of desirable actions... this is complex and full of traps so requires careful reading and thought.
Anyhow, I've had the book less than a week and I can see some of the ideas working already. He's (admirably? hideously?) persistent though so I realise there will be no overnight transformation.
Oh, I've also found that giving him 'constructive' jobs is helping, and I probably should have picked up on this earlier.
I'd be interested to know if anyone reading has any great strategies for stubborn little boys.
I have been doing a little sewing and I adopted another old sewing machine (thanks for the tip Harriet!), and have my good camera back now, so will be back soon with reports on those happier things!
- Jane x
I was wondering where you were! This motherhood thing is no joke. About a month ago Jude spent two weeks being so difficult I started wondering how we were going to survive, luckily he's much younger and the phase passed quickly, though not without quite a few battles. I can sense that this book might be very helpful in my near future. Thanks for the tips and good luck!
ReplyDeleteThanks Carla. Yes it's really tough when you feel like you're being beaten by someone so small, isn't it! And you want to think it should all come naturally and you shouldn't have to read a book to tell you how to sort your child out. But I wish I'd read this before I was at my wit's end. It has a lot of great strategies and the theories behind them and talks through lots of examples.
DeleteStrategies: Remember he'll be grown up in no time, be consistent,buy a packet of cornflakes
ReplyDeleteHave fun!
Ah yes, the emergency packet of cornflakes, this certainly calls for that! Just the thought of it makes me feel better :)
Deleteah Jane, it's no fun when they insist on their own ideas and are so stubborn! I wish you the best and know that "this too shall pass". Your kids seem to be highly creative and very resourceful. These characteristics will stand them in good stead. School helps kids learn to be a bit more group oriented and perhaps more patient.
ReplyDeleteI noticed you were absent also - missed your blogs. 4.5 is a bit of a horrid age for us also (and some of my friends). We are experiencing a lot of stubbborness and defiance over here too.
ReplyDeleteI've been very fortunate to have one child who is all sweetness and lollipops and whose tantrums consist of sitting with crossed arms and glaring, and one who's attitude can be directly linked to how much time he's spent with a screened device.. when he starts getting nasty, all tv/computer/videogame time stops, and once his screen addiction breaks, he becomes nice again. Well.. the withdrawl symptoms aren't fun, but he's nice afterwards.
ReplyDeleteI like the idea of that 'assisted compliance' though. For little ones that want so badly to be independant its a great encouragement to actually DO it rather than have mum do it again.
Yes our Charlie used to run away and bury his face in his bed when he had done something wrong... he's the typical responsible eldest child. The crossed arms and glaring tantrums sound ideal!
DeleteAnd yes, the assisted compliance is a revelation to me. Basically, they know it's going to happen whether they do it or mum does it and their independence will most likely make them prefer to do it themselves. Clem actually dressed himself without complaint this morning. Big win!
Ha! I think Clem and O may be soul-mates. Granted she's only three, but she also tries to negotiate EVERYTHING, is incredibly stubborn and likes to tell me what my consequences are going to be if I try to discipline her. And when she gets herself all worked up...watch out!
ReplyDeleteIt's absolutely painful at times, but my sister also had a "spririted" toddler who is now an awesome kid so I know that there's at least some light at the end of the tunnel (I hope...)
Good luck! Follow through the positive and negative promises, and I think just getting out of the house and breaking the mood is a good one. It's amazing how much a walk to the library, search for bugs or dig in the garden changes an outlook. Sometimes the parents just need a break too.
ReplyDeleteOh Jane, I know exactly how you feel. Most days I feel like I'm failing with my wonderful, empathetic, tempestuous, stubborn 5 yr old. She makes me feel like I can do nothing right, will scream at me and refuse to do anything I suggest. There, doesn't that make you feel better?!!? I had a great book called How to talk so kids will listen and how to listen so kids will talk. I lent it to a friend and I never got it back. I may have to buy another copy. I probably need it.
ReplyDeleteIsn't that the thing with the best books, you lend them to people because they're so great, but then don't have them when you need them! I think that's what happened to my copy of 'Raising Boys'.
DeleteIt certainly does make me feel better to hear about your five y.o.. not that I wish it on anyone, ha!
On the other hand, my boy (8 this week!) is so sweet and charming, calm and not given to tantrums or screaming fits. He makes me feel like I'm a good mum!
ReplyDeleteAnd they are all so different, aren't they? They should come with a separate 'how to' manual each....
DeleteJane I fear we may have indulged our youngest as well!! Is it an effort to enjoy the last 'baby' or is it not wanting them to miss out on things the older two do that lead us down this windy road - who knows.
ReplyDeleteI find that when she raises her voice defiantly at me I try to carefully speak in a low and measured voice (rather than raising mine too!) and she has to quiet down to hear me (I won't say I always manage this - but I try!).
I also make sure I only chose to say things I WILL follow through on - and though it sometimes seems harsh - I then do it.
I do the second thing you mentioned in another sort of way - I ask her to do something, wait, then I ask her if she needs help doing it, wait, then I say that I am going to help her do it now.
It's s tough gig - but remember each of these stages is just that - stage, it won't last forever.
Hi Jane, oh the challenges these kids throw at us! This book looks great and this is a wonderful post...it is refreshing to hear such honesty and the reality of raising kids!
ReplyDeleteThanks Amanda. Yes the book has been wonderful, I've been studying it, I feel like I'm in 'training' as much as Clem! But I'm happy to report that things are improving.
DeleteAh, Clem. You are SO beautiful, and perhaps you know that all too well? ;-) I haven't experienced the fours yet (nor do I have a super verbal kid who negotiates everything, obviously), but my experience has been that things will go smoothly for a while, then everything falls apart and you have to set new routines, try new things, until you find your groove again, rinse repeat. Things can seem pretty dire one day, and then no big deal the next. You'll figure it out, settle into a new normal with Clem, and then in a while, he'll switch it up again! As Carla said, this motherhood thing is no joke!
ReplyDeleteThis is what I have found too. Rinse repeat rinse repeat rinse repeat. My children are 5, 4 and 2 and sometimes it feels like they are all going through the horrible in-between stage at the same time. That's when I really feel like I'm going crazy.
DeleteAnd with such cute puppy dog eyes how could you NOT spoil him?? I know, I have one of those too. ;)
ReplyDeleteOh poor you, sounds just like my oldest at the same age. I'd love to pass along wonderful words of wisdom but sadly I just don't have them, I think different children respond to different things and I like to think we have done OK so far with our two but it's all a bit trial and error and I might well be wrong! You have all my sympathies though, I hope he settles soon and you can have a more peaceful daily routine. Betx (the linen cat)
ReplyDeleteOh poor Jane, that sounds so stressful. I'm glad to hear things are improving though.
ReplyDeleteI'm already struggling with the non-verbal terrible not-quite-twos... I hate to think what she'll be like when she can answer back! I may have to look for a copy of that book, sounds fantastic.
And looking forward to the sewing machine update!
x
i have just stumbled upon your blog and this old post. I was particularly interested to read the bit about deciding on consequences and following through unflinchingly. Last year, my 11yo repeatedly decided not to feed the chickens as was his job. Initially, stern talking to, then after a few instances, he didn't get his own dinner a few times. Finally, after several warnings of the big consequence, he wasn't allowed to go on his school camp. It was hard to do that unflinchingly, but I thought it was important. Apparently (despite not approaching me for a history or explanation) his headmaster thought it was "extreme" and "inappropriate" and prompted a "feeling of unease" about my parenting and a feeling that he could not tell me about my son's poor behaviour at school for fear of further "inappropriate punishment". This news delivered to me last week.
ReplyDeleteSo, the trend toward letting kids do what they like without real consequences is finding its hideous way into our schools and thence to parents.
Hi, thanks for commenting. Gosh it's hard isn't it. I know my kids enjoy going to school a lot more than I did at the same age but are they actually getting as good an education as I did? I suspect it is a bit broader but they are quite a way behind in the basic foundations... quite likely because of a lack of consequences for not knuckling down. So I feel as a parent I need to do more chasing up, correcting, checking things are done.
DeleteI'm sorry the headmaster said that to you - that's what sounds 'inappropriate' to me.