I'd rushed home from a childcare committee meeting in time for Andy to head out to see a colleague's new theatre show. But five minutes later he was back because he said it seemed like I needed him there. What a darling. Of course once he offered me sympathy and a listening ear, I went all weepy because it's so much harder to hold it together when someone says "are you alright?", isn't it?
I'm worried I'm not spending enough time with Clem before he starts school in October. I'm worried I'm attached far too much to the computer tending to work emails when I officially only work 1.5 to 2 days a week. I'm worried I don't have enough time to keep up with basics like keeping the bills paid (because of the work I do to help pay the bills in the first place). I'm worried that the big boys are growing up before my eyes and their childhoods are slipping away. I'm worried that our lives are over-complicated with unimportant stuff.
So I talked this all through with my darling. He listened and made all the right sympathetic noises. And you know what I eventually realised?
My overriding worry was that I couldn't spend more quality time with my family. And I feel this because I love them so much, and I'm so very lucky to have them. I'm just greedy and want more. And that's not so bad, is it?
And then yesterday, Charlie was feeling a little tired and blue in the morning so I let him stay home from school with me and Clem. In the middle of the day we went to the Botanic Gardens, as I'd promised Clem we would. It's one place guaranteed to make me feel the goodness in the world.
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Autumn leaves from the many Plane Trees were everywhere. On the Plane Tree lawn they were falling around us. The trees are immensely tall and looking up, we could see the leaves begin their journey down.
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I also realised that even once Clem is at school, I can, on occasion, steal one of the boys away for a day. It doesn't have to be an ending.
Sorry there are just a few unimpressive phone photos. It was a back-to-basics day.
Things are good.
I'm lucky.
Wishing you a happy weekend.
- Jane x
Oh Jane, I so sympathize. I only have the one little one but I work 3 days (two of them with Jude in tow) and with all of the chores, extra commitments ect it can all get to be too much. Thank you for this beautiful reminder of the power of concentrated, present time. Wishing you a beautiful weekend.
ReplyDeleteThanks Carla. I admire people who go through the same thought processes and end up opting for a simpler life - you know, small country town, giving up the corporate job, that sort of thing. But I know it's not right for our family. We love our home and the school the boys walk to and our family and friends nearby and much as I may complain, Andy and I both essentially love our jobs. Sometimes it's good to have a mini-crisis to put things into perspective, isn't it!
ReplyDeleteHi Jane, really sorry for reading that life has been so overwhelming at the moment. Oddly, seeing your above reply to a comment, we have (as a family) been weighing up the pros and cons of maybe leaving our busy life here in the South of England and moving back to my roots in Yorkshire (the North) for a much quieter life, although with only a fraction of the money to live of. We're staying put, for now, but I would love to return to Yorkshire one day. I think sending your youngest off to school does pompt feelings of assessing how much family time you get etc (and the guilt that goes with that assessment). I hope life continues on the up and you feel more settled soon. Beth (the linen cat)x
ReplyDeleteThank you Beth - yes I can imagine if you had 'roots' somewhere quieter there would be quite a pull to return. Actually my city is very liveable and many people leave for careers and return here to raise families, so it's a bit the same! I've lived here all my life; it's 'big city' enough for me. I hope you find the right balance for your family too! xx
DeleteSometimes making space for something makes it special, just like your afternoon in the botanic gardens. Far better to have a couple of phone pics because you were enjoying yourself rather than a day seen through a viewfinder to produce an album of orchestrated pictures.
ReplyDeleteYou're so right Anne, deciding to set aside time like that can be so valuable. I need to do it a little more.
DeleteJane, you describe the superhuman effort that each family must invest to sustain balance. Everything in moderation, including moderation!
ReplyDeleteIt's about taking quality time, not quantity. Your kids won't care about the house, the bills, the fact that you had to work 6 days this week; but they will remember that visit to the gardens and they will remember how you made them feel. That you care and realise this potential problem speaks volumes about the parent you are. Take a deep breath and do something whimsical (like going to the gardens with a stolen boy and a little boy) and don't feel guilt. You need to snatch those moments back and it isn't about spending vast quantities of time together, it is about appreciating what you have. Sometimes I watch my little girl, I focus on her facial movements, the rise and fall of her chest. I drink that image in and remind myself that although hectic, my life is wonderful.
A big cuddle for your beloved too, what a lovely partner to accompany you through life *sigh!
Take the time, be mindful and don't fret over the quantity of time, enjoy the quality of the time you actually have.
Carly x
Thank you for your beautiful comment Carly. It is indeed about quality time and appreciating what we have. I don't like to dwell on frustrations but I did want to write this down as a bit of a reminder-to-self. And it's nice to feel connected to others with the same feelings. xx
DeleteAw. Big hugs! It's so hard sometimes. Life can be so busy! I also long for a simpler life quite frequently. But we're not in a position (financial, economy-wise, or otherwise) to make any big changes like that right now. I frequently have to remind myself to just enjoy what we have and be thankful. But it's hard to leave my little guy every day, even though I know he's in great hands (his dad's great hands). So I have so much sympathy! And a trip to the botanical gardens sounds like the perfect antidote to this variety of angst. Hugs.
ReplyDeleteBig hugs from over here too! I think we all feel torn in a million different directions at times. Trying to do it all and not feeling that you're giving anything the attention that you deserve (or is it just me who feels that way all the time?). And all I can say is that the love and appreciation that you feel for your family definitely comes through in the way that you speak about them. It truly warms my heart. And how great is your husband for recognizing when you need him most. Love to all of you!
ReplyDeleteOh, Jane - my sympathies are with you entirely - despite the stress, this post was a lovely one, and one that strikes a chord with me, and many others too....How lovely that Andy came home, and I'm so glad that you had a special 'stolen' day with two of your boys.
ReplyDeleteHope you have had a lovely Mothers' Day, and hope that this week is slightly less than normal!
It sounds like you had a perfect, much needed day. I always suspect that the people who worry about this kind of thing are really not the ones that need to be concerned - hope that makes sense? The fact that you felt out of kilter shows how in tune you are with your family. From here, you seem like an amazing parent, really connected with & committed to your boys. I struggle with the same pulls about my kids growing, too (kept A home last Wednesday for a pj day for that very reason!) Not to mention this incredibly loaded youngest-at-kindy year. Hope you're having a better week - and more days of the leaf-catching variety. xx
ReplyDeleteHugs from me too. I think you summed up pretty well just how mums feel, the world over. Not sure I can add anything that hasn't already been said in the comments above, but thanks for the reminder that every now and then, I need to slow down and just BE. xx
ReplyDeleteAh, people, you are all so lovely :) Thank you so much for all the kind comments. It does help to hear (even if you already knew it) that loads of others are in the exact same boat. Hugs back at you all! xxx
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